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First I must say that I was truly gifted not only my entire life by her presence but especially in the last two days of her life. I am convinced (especially after long heart felt talks with my skydiver friend Carey Peck) that there was definite “intentionality” in the events that happened between her and me those last two days. In other words, things happened for a reason. Events and things that were said happened by design. Neither Mom nor I knew intentionality was in process but hindsight certainly declares it. And by the way, feel free to interchange intentionality with spiritual design as I clearly intend that relationship.
On Saturday, Oct 8th, My Mom arrived at my home on what she thought would be a round trip from her home in Shalimar, Florida (near Ft. Walton Beach in the Florida panhandle) to my sister Cindy’s home in Alabama then to mine and back home. None of us ever imagined it would be a one-way trip. Who would have thought the impossible after losing our 16 year old “Pepper Dog”, a close skydiving friend, Gus, and my step-Dad (after a difficult 2.5 months on and off life support) already in less than a year. Did I mention the Pope passing too? How odd it was to sit in next to my step-dad’s death bed and watch him suffer from sepsis just like the Pope was at that very moment. Their paths were exactly parallel in time and the nature of their distress yet was my step-dad less valuable? No, for he was loved just as deeply and his love is still a part of us. Anyway, the idea of more death was simply unthinkable. Death seemed to have camped out at our door. I do recall imagining “what next” or “who is next” but felt like the “universe” would surely spare us more sadness. After all we had proven our love and strength. Behold - the power greater than us always has the last word and “design” on how life unfolds. The lesson was once again reiterated. My Mom was accompanied by my sister, Cathy, and niece, Cassie, for her annual visit to help celebrate my daughter, Ashley’s, 15th birthday. Mom traveled more often than that to visit us but she was always there for Ashley’s birthday celebration. Thank goodness this year we celebrated Ashley’s birthday 2 days after her birthday (putting some time and distance between “Ashley’s day” and Mom’s passing). This was the second act of intentionality. Mom arrived the first night to see Ashley come home from her first high school dance and of course, was dismayed at Ashley’s natural beauty (easily categorized as a boy magnet) in her elegant black dress, heels and up do. Ashley’s gorgeously thin, princess like, young frame towered over me in her heels. Mom was stunned that her first grandbaby had grown up. Ashley was always at her “yard youngin” best at Mom’s house so to see her so “dressed up” was a surprise. Honestly, I was still in shock as well to see my teenager so adult like. I had refused to see it until I stood side by side with my mother gasping at the revelation that my 15 year old was no longer 5. She had transformed into a young woman. This epiphany led to many laughter filled and philosophical conversations the next 2 days between Mom and I about what was to come as Ashley continued to grow up. At one point after a discussion on Ashley, her style of dress, her music and her typically teenage attitude my Mom took great delight in announcing, finally, that “what goes around comes around.” The torch had been passed as my mother words made me realize “I had become my mother.” I was entering into the same “mother of a strong-willed teenage beauty” phase that I had put my mother through 30 years ago. My mother and I both survived. I am sorry for those first gray hairs I gave my mother and I can’t thank her enough for teaching me how to go through it successfully as I follow her example. In the end my mother had taught me Justice "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you." My Mom living to see and acknowledging that moment that comes but once in a lifetime where you and her both see your arrival as a fully self-sufficient and capable adult and parent was the third act of intentionality. It was a “changing of the guard” but we both knew she knew I was up to the task. I had received her blessing. On Sunday afternoon, my mother had the pleasure of meeting most of my neighbors and our closest friends. We all converged on the park on the river for an afternoon of cooking out, margaritas and boating. She could hardly believe in these days and times when most people don’t know the names of the person living directly across the street that we were blessed with our circle of friends. Our friendships were born out of a “neighborhood” camping trip to Moss Park where my mother took us to swim as children. During the cookout, my mother reminded me that “drinking and boating don’t mix” although I was already practicing that rule. In fact, my mother made it a point to tell me that “drinking and boating don’t mix” several times before, during and after we bought our boat!” This was Mom’s truest form. She NEVER missed a moment to be Mom…. and why should she?! As I reflected on the constant warning labels my mother gave me for how not to get killed, cut, burned, skinned, chafed, tired out, poked, poisoned, broken or infected, I read this and was more enlightened: A Mother's Love What can compare with it! Of all things on earth, it comes nearest to divine love in heaven. A mother's love means a life's devotion - and sometimes a life's sacrifice - with but one thought, one hope and one feeling, that her children will grow up healthy and strong, free from evil habits and able to provide for themselves. Her sole wish is that they may do their part like men and women, avoid dangers and pitfalls, and when dark hours come, trust in Providence to give them strength, patience and courage to bear up bravely. Happy is the mother when her heart's wish is answered, and happy are sons and daughters when they can feel that they have contributed to her noble purpose, and in some measure, repaid her unceasing, unwavering love and devotion.” It took me many years to realize my Mother’s constant reminders of “what I already knew would keep me warm and safe and dry” were simply her natural and undeniable mission to help me do all the things mentioned above and especially to avoid danger. If I had a penny for every time my mother told to “put sharp knives on the back of the sink instead of in the soapy water (to avoid cutting myself when doing the dishes)” or “to remember to never let the handle of a hot pot of food hang over the floor (to avoid spilling the hot item and getting burned)” or to “be sure to buckle myself the right way in the car instead of with just the lap belt” I would be a millionaire. I don’t need pennies though as my life was so enriched by these constant reminders because they only meant that I had a mother who truly cared for my safety. The fact that she never ever saw me commit most of the offenses after the age of 13 I will simply ignore. Back to the cookout: my Mothers getting know my neighbors, my life and how I lived on a regular bases Enter the 5th act of Intentionality: Monday, was the last day I would ever spend with my mother before her passing the next morning. I resisted my normal temptations to jump into my home office (usually still in my PJs) and get sucked into the world my husband calls “Elizabeth Land.” I decided right out of bed (my Mom and I were both early risers) that I would spend the morning with Mom. We sat on the back porch overlooking my pool and the flowers I had planted everywhere (glistening with morning dew in the finest hour of their day fully open and vibrant with the bees visiting each one with purpose). The lake was as smooth as glass and my loyal flock of about 30 wild birds circled overhead lighting to feed at the base of my big oak. That morning, among nature, we shared dreams, wisdom, appreciation for each other and a new “commonality.” We were one in the same. We covered topics from marriage to joy to sacrifice to tips on seeking out the finer things in life. Once again, there was a passing of the reigns. I took great joy in her telling me that my back porch was one of the most peaceful places she knew. It gave me joy to see her happy. The higher power brought me this gift of our long mother and daughter talk on what was to be the last day of her life. We were talking side by side with deep and mutual admiration for each other in our own slow motion we created for ourselves. I cooked her favorite breakfast where she reminded for the 200th time that “less grits then the recipe calls for” is best. Thank you Mom for reminding me of your precious gift – I had a Mother who cared. I was still her child and that wasn’t all bad….at all. After our morning talk, we drove around looking at the properties I owned as potential relocation homes. My step-dad had passed away 4 months earlier and she and Cathy were thinking about relocating to be closer to Cindy or me. Later, we all joined my husband at Grill’s Tiki Bar at Port Canaveral, our favorite hangout, for lunch on the patio where we enjoyed warm sunshine and mild breezes as the fishing boats came and went. Afterwards my Mom exuberantly stated “I just had a wonderful lunch with such wonderful company!” Later that night, my mother and just us girls, went to Ashley’s favorite place for dinner, a Japanese steak house where the food is prepared at your table with 5 other “close” friends you just met. We had so much fun other families looked on in envy. The highlight of the evening was watching Mom catch a morsel of food (that the cook airlifted to her from the end of his spatula) in her mouth! As my daughter would say (about 15 times a day) “I don’t care who you are! That’s funny!” My Mom was at her peak. She was full of life! On another note, I had made it a point to keep my satellite radio tuned to 40s and 50s most of those two days while she showed her appreciation through a random dance or song here and there throughout. I had decided she would get XM for Christmas! Later that night after some more “porch time” we all said our “goodnights and I love yous” and went to sleep. As I reflected on the day’s events I was glad I had told my mother several times throughout the day how much I was enjoying the day, her company and how I was thankful for her creating “down time” for me….more intentionality…but who is counting anymore? I was awakened around 6 am by my daughter frantically requesting my assistance because “Mimi has fallen.” According to my sister Cathy, who shared the guest room with her, Mom had taken some aspirin for a “worse then most” headache around 4 a.m. then got up again at 6 a.m. When she stood up she fell (we believe due to fainting). Although semiconscious for 20 or 30 minutes she never regained full consciousness or the ability to communicate although she tried. She was pronounced brain dead within a couple of hours at the hospital. The preliminary autopsy stated she had suffered a fatal brain aneurysm. A medical representative stated that even if she was at the hospital when it happened she still would not have survived. At least now we have the gift of knowing it wasn’t preventable (and you are going that’s a gift?!) Personally, I had some great concern that the fall and not a preexisting condition had caused the injury. After years of my mothers training I KNEW accidents were preventable. There is a grand canyons worth of distance when it comes to my acceptance of what could and could not have been prevented. Sometimes there is even blessing in bad news depending on what your needs are at the time. My Mom was kept on life support over the next two days while the family sorted out organ donation issues and “Translife” screened potential organ recipients across the nation. Although she was brain dead on Tuesday morning, she was officially “declared” on Wednesday (after a 2nd confirmatory EEG) and her heart was stopped after her organs were donated during surgery on Thursday morning. I am still not sure when my mother died. I’m leaning towards her most final moment – the moment her heart stopped. After all, how often do we refer to our heart as the place where love lives? He heart stopped and her love was free to move about the universe….and to experience in a dream I had a few days after her passing. She was there, she was real and I could physically feel her love as I had never felt it before. Her love was in every cell of my body and it was the best feeling I have ever experienced ever….ever. Through organ donation, Mom was able to save the lives of three people. One of her kidneys was successfully transplanted to a 69 year old woman from New York. She started dialysis in 2001, the same year she was widowed (my step-dad underwent dialysis numerous times so we came to know the suffering). She is a retired data entry clerk who has two sisters to whom she is very close (my mother’s children are three sisters). She had become depressed while waiting for a transplant but now is very happy and very grateful for this wonderful gift. Her other kidney was gifted to a 60 year old man from New York who used to work in electronic repairs. He suffered from end-stage renal failure due to a history of hypertension and Type II Diabetes (My Dad died when I as in my late 20s due to Type II diabetes) and has been on the waiting list for over 3 years. He is doing well after his transplant and has been discharged home from the hospital where he can spend time with his wife, children and grandchildren. My mother's liver was gifted to a 66 year old retired school teacher in the southern Florida area. She has been on the transplant list for 4 months because of a hepatic viral infection. She is married and has 3 children. Giving life to three people my mother could identify with = more design and all the more reason to understand and accept why my mother was so abruptly taken and why now. My mother was a care giver most of her life. She was born in 1939, the oldest child of three boys. She learned about hard work early on. She was completely devoted to my sister Cathy who has been wheel chair bound due to cerebral palsy all of her 40 years. She provided love and support to both my father who had mid-life onset of diabetes and Andrew who had major bypass surgery and declining health the last 10 years they shared together. My mother was coming “into her own.” It was her time, finally, to live the life! We were all poised to watch from the sidelines as she “took off” for adventure and fun. She was to travel carefree and easy and to dance every dance like it was her last one. In a fashion true to her spirit she hit big! Why be confined to all the joy that was due to her after a life of care giving just to be confined by gravity and one dimensionally? Mom, conspiring with the higher power, planned a much greater escape and succeeded. She is free to fly now – first class, anywhere, anytime surrounded by love. She was never rendered immobile, hard of hearing, short of breath, cancer ridden, having memory loss or generally being considered of old age. She never completed the circle of life that sometimes leads to the parent becoming the child. She was never selfish! I chose this to represent her freedom: Don't think of her as gone away Again, words can hardly describe the loss of my mother and the events leading up to and after her passing. It has been a time filled with every emotion ranging from shock from her sudden death to sadness and anger to tears of happiness when got news about her organ donation to tears of joy while remembering a favorite conversation or moment of laughter we shared. I have done my share of soul searching and came up with the following: 1. Most importantly, my mother was a beautiful gift. Although she left us earlier then I would have liked for my own selfish reasons I was blessed to have her for 45 years. As my sister Cindy so well stated “She was here for the most important stuff and for that I am thankful.” 2. While there is immeasurable shock and despair caused by the sudden death of a loved one there is also a certain beauty that comes with your loved one being spared a prolonged and painful death. My Mom was singing and dancing and very, very happy the day before she departed. My Mom lived her life to the very fullest until her last dream of that night. I take comfort in that. 3. There is a higher power or force at work that creates events in our lives that while we may not understand them at the time you may be fully enlightened. There was so much intentionality in the last week and especially the last two days of my mother’s life. My Mom empowered me in so many ways over the course of those last two days. Despite some difficult times with me as the “most rebellious child hands down” our relationship as parent and child had come full circle and we truly reveled in each others love. She had given me her “seal of approval” that I could do all the right things with or without her. What a precious gift! Timing IS everything! 4. Every soul on this planet has a right to their own spirituality and system of religious beliefs. This is one the most sacred foundations of our country…freedom of religion. Being as comfortable in others right to their beliefs as we are in ours brings….well….comfort…as long as they are not dangerous. In trying times families who respect their spiritual differences are most likely to succeed. 5. Family is forever. No matter how low the valley or how impossibly high the mountain may appear, our family is forever. Death is as inevitable as birth and our family will grow in heaven and upon the earth. Our loss is an angel’s first flight. The loss of my mother has caused me to consider my own mortality in a seriously exponential manner. While I am a world record skydiver who jumped out of aircraft on a regular basis (like over 1600 times) and I have “thought” about the end of my life until I was standing next to my mother’s bed as they rolled her into the operating room nearing that time when her heart would beat one last time my own mortality was mostly a concept and not a reality. In the past I had focused more on everyone else’s mortality and mine seemed a bit distant…..after all I was so well taught by my mother to avoid danger. I have no mother now. I have no parents. I have no safety net. I will survive but I vow to survive “differently” now. It’s all on me and I want “me” to be better. I read that “facing mortality” often inspires a second wave of creativity in our lives. I am embarking on that new journey as I write this. That is the last intentional and possibly the greatest gift of my mothers passing. Divine purpose for her end was to create happy and new beginnings for all of us who loved her. This would be her last dream fulfilled. I WILL recreate myself as a better parent, wife, sister and friend. I will also love myself more. I think tomorrow I will plant more flowers. That pile of papers, part of the small stuff in my life, can wait. If I am gone tomorrow whether I filed them or not won’t make a difference.
To Value A Job Well Done I think I will start telling the last one to my daughter now. I love you Mom. |
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My Mom came to visit less than one week after I had returned from California where I was a participant on the new 
With that, I wish for all of you (who have made it this far in reading and haven’t given up for greater pursuits like to “go file the papers” or wash the dishes) the opportunity to have learned something through my own expression of my experiences about loss and how it can change your life. I also wish to leave you with a smile…something that MY mother: MY beautiful, loving, unselfish mother would have wanted. My mother was kind of strict at times. For that I am thankful. In the process of raising me she taught me many valuable ideals. Here is what I learned: